I actually didn’t know I was depressed. For years I had never really felt things, but I didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until I went away one weekend with my wife and my cousin (who is like a brother to me), that I realized even though we were doing all of these fun, incredible things, I didn’t feel any of it.
After the trip I started digging into my thoughts and the past, and realized it had been three years since I’d truly felt anything. And it had been even longer than that since I remembered consistently feeling things. I decided to reach out to a friend who is a psychology professor to get her take on the situation. She said it sounded like anhedonia—the most common trait for clinical depression.
I had done therapy, but I wasn’t on any anti-depressants or medication. So my wife and I started researching, and she’s the one who first brought up Field Trip Health. I reached out to them, and over the next three months they worked with me, set me up with some tools, and officially diagnosed my depression and PTSD.
By the time I went in for my first psychedelic-assisted therapy session, I fully expected to take a trip back to my youth. I’d had a traumatic childhood—looking back smiling was hard for me even then—but at 43 years old it turned out I actually didn’t need to go that far back. Instead, my sessions took me to this cave, where I dealt with my “protectors” and battled my ego while trying to emerge.
As the therapy continued, they slowly increased the doses and I grew more comfortable with the process each time we sat down. I would sketch my experiences after each hour, creating a cohesive storyboard of the entire experience. Overall I did the core treatment plus six sessions, but almost immediately I was able to feel again in a cognitive way. After two sessions I realized, “Wow. I’m actually enjoying stuff again.”
My therapy sent me into a state where I could experience everything in real-time. Since then I’ve been able to tap into my dreams (something I’ve always experienced in a very visceral way), unlike ever before. I’ve even recently recalled a dream from 12 years ago and figured out how to write a story that may eventually be for consumption.
Now, I honestly feel like a different person. I also have ADHD, so following through on things can sometimes be difficult. But now, I’m much more mindful of just getting things done. I feel more creative and I have motivation. That’s something about depression I didn’t realize, is that it also causes a lack of motivation. It’s a big thing to realize; not only do I want to do things again and actually have ambition to do them, but that feeling has lasted a long time now.
My wife has also noticed a big improvement, and says I’m much less defensive. I’m almost like a different person, one with no anxiety or depression. Someone who believes there is more to life. I’ve learned that regardless of where I am, I know that I’m loved. I’m in a good marriage. I can feel things and I’m not alone.
Looking at the past, I feel as though I was misguided in my former belief that medicine doesn’t help. Today, I genuinely feel that some of these “forbidden substances” can make a world of difference under the right circumstances, and going forward I want to be an advocate for all of the positive things psychedelics can do. After all, this experience has completely changed my life.
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These stories reflect individual experiences. Outcomes vary from person to person, and participation in any program is based on a comprehensive medical and psychological assessment to determine appropriateness and safety.
For more information about what Field Trip offers including an overview, risks of treatment, and cost, please review Our Therapy.
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